where to go with grief?

for those that know the my family, know we are close. my mom and her identical twin (and i mean crazy identical) married brothers who lived down the street from them. my cousin tracie and i were born 4 days apart in the same hospital across the hall from each other. we're use to getting looks and asking questions when people first hear our story.

but almost 2 years ago my world changed when my auntie lynn (my momma's twin) passed away. she fought with everything she had but it just wasn't meant to be for her to live here on this earth with us any longer. there are and will always be days that i miss her like crazy. she was always the 1st person to call and sing me happy birthday and then giggle.

today was one of those hard days. i keep a copy of her obituary on the side of my fridge and this morning it hit me. the sadness, the anger, and then the thankfulness hit me. i desperately miss her. my uncle, their kids, my mom and her siblings, her dad, everyone she touched misses her. but i know without a doubt she is resting with our God, her heavenly Father, and healed of all pain that trapped her here in this world. i'm thankful that God gave her to me and me to her.

so auntie lynn if you can hear me or see me i love you to the moon and back and can't wait for the day i get to giggle with you again!

Lolo Jones, is she the real deal?

This morning I was watching The Today Show and they were interview Lolo Jones, albiet it not very well but of course they had to talk to her since she finished 4th for the 100m women's hurdle. This might not seem significant but it's the same place she landed in 4 years ago. What struck me watching her this morning is the raw emotion she had towards and article from the NY Times, For Lolo Jones, Everything Is Image. She's right this author blasted her and only 3 days before she competed.

This article bothered me for a few reasons. They attacked Lolo for smart marketing, I'm sorry but she's not just an athletic she's a business person. But, what bothered me the most was this assumption that just because she didn't medal made her less of an Olympic Athletic. Of course the country cheers when a member of the US Olympic team wins a medal, but it doesn't take away from every other member of the Olympic team that doesn't.

real life and the newsroom

a friend posted a few weeks ago about this new show on hbo called the newsroom. i quickly fell in love with this show and last nights episode did not disappoint. if you haven't watched it i highly recommend it. you see every episode is based on real news events, last night they covered the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. watching it brought back a lot of those emotions as i remembered watching President Obama bring the world this great news. until tonight i've never taken the time to think how police, firefighters, flight crews, and family members took that news. there was a scene that hit a lil closer to home than i would like to admit. 3 of the staff members are waiting on a plane at their gate, just waiting to deplane as this story is breaking. there is a brief moment of chaos on the plane when one of these staff members looks at the pilot and says "how paranoid do you have be..." and that is when it hits him and the scene changes. maybe you'll never watch this show and maybe you will, it really doesn't matter. for me this episode was a good reminder that life is different, peoples lives are changed, and just because we think some lives have moved on...some are still haunted by the memories of that tragic day.

it's been a long time...but, it's also been a hard year

i realized it's been a long time since i put my thoughts to paper, so here we go.

driving into work today i realized it was this time a year ago that i was praying to God to deliver me for my current and very unhappy work environment to someplace i could find happiness and joy in. well He did just that.

i've been at faith alive for almost 10 months now and it was a process that began last december. it's not always been a stress free job or environment but it has been a healthy one. i can't express how much working for a boss that believes in me changes thing. working for something that i believe in changes everything around you.

but, it's also been a really hard year. in april my aunt went into the hospital for what should have been a surgery that would give her a great life (she had just turned 57)instead the doctors left her unable to talk or breathe on her own for a number of month, never to walk again, and ultimately took her life in september. the absence of her life has hole in the lives of EVERYONE that knew and loved her. and if you knew her you indeed loved her. i'm thankful for the last note i got from her. it was a great day visiting her in ann arbor and when i asked her "auntie lynn why are you staring at me?" her response was "because i just love you soo much" so it's the little things like this that still make me smile.

my uncle fred also gave us a scare and ended up having 8 bypasses on his heart, but thankfully he's doing well. then my dad fell on some stairs and ended up breaking his leg really bad, had to have surgery, and is now on the slow road to health. and, if that wasn't enough my god son wyatt (6 months old) became very ill and had to have emergency surgery on his intestines to save his life. he is also on the road to recovery.

so while it's been a year of trials for my family i know that God has been there every moment of every day. He's heard our prayers and has been faithful to help us heal.

i'm excited to start 2012. i'm excited to see what God has in store for my family and myself next. but, mostly i'm excited to continue this journey of my life!

to all of my friends may 2012 be full of blessings. may the Lord bless and keep you all and may He make His face shine on you!

The sun is shining somewhere!

This morning in my very long (3 mile) commute to work I was feeling sorry for myself. If you don't live in Michigan or the midwest you might not realize that we've been under, well grey skies for what seems like weeks now. We get the occasional sunny day followed by rain, rain, and more rain. So for the 3 mile trek into work and then the 3 mile trek back home (because I left my laptop at home today) I had a little pity party. I wondered why I have to live here, why can't Michigan be beautiful like other states, and when is the bloody sun going to come out!

Then I pulled into my driveway and noticed that my lilac tree had actual buds on it. Not just leafs but buds and these buds were still growing into something beautiful in the midst of this grey raining season. I got back into my truck and began heading back into work when DCB came on the radio singing "Glorious" and through the lyrics I was reminded that God makes everything Glorious. Everything. Not just some things in some states in some countries or even some continents. EVERYTHING!

It was at this point I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of my old VP's from Zondervan, Scott Bolinder. We were walking into work together one morning very similar to today and he said "isn't it beautiful out" which I didn't understand and kinda looked at him with a puzzled look. This is when he said "just because we don't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining". He was right, a few weeks later I was on an early morning flight and it was cloudy and raining and I just was not looking forward to flying in that weather, but then we broke through the clouds and I saw the sunlight. It was beautiful.

It was a gentle reminder that while I can't always see God's glory right in front of me does not mean that it's not there!

A voice in the conversation

Recently I began to notice that I'm becoming more and more frustrated by the voices chiming in on my thoughts posted on FB. I try to not be a close minded person however when someone doesn't have a history or knowledge of something I would think they might listen in and hear what all the voices are saying. However this is not the case with certain people. Instead they come charging in and try to make their voice heard, they make sure it's louder than the voice next to them, and even try to sound like the authority voice of the conversation.

For the record I do post on FB and even on here as a way to vent. As a single person I'm not able to go home and share those frustrations and conversations the way most people are. That being said I know I leave myself open to having others join in and I welcome that.

But, I am not one to argue until I'm blue or argue for the sake of arguing. I believe what I believe, these beliefs are most generally based on my faith, my personal understanding, and through being educated on a topic. I will be the first to admit that I jump into conversations all too often, but in my frustration I have started to see myself. So, if I can attempt to change the way I listen and communicate maybe you can to.

The joy and pain of babies

My heart is all over the place today when I think about babies and the joy and pain they bring into their parents lives and the lives of those around them. A little over a week ago one of my oldest childhood friends and her husband lost their precious baby boy. This was a child that was loved and so meant for this family and yet God choose to bring him back to himself. I'm sure there are a lot of why's going around, but I've been asking God to help heal the broken hearts of the mommy and daddy that are left behind.

Then there is this joy that's coming from two other friends, one of my oldest childhood friends and an old coworker who are having their babies (hopefully today). Joy for their upcoming arrivals and the blessings that these little ones will bring to their families lives.

Yet my mind is never far from this couple that had to say goodbye to their son last week. And just yesterday a friend called to tell me that she and her husband are finally pregnant but keeping it quiet until she's a little further along. So now I pray extra hard for this little baby and that it will make it full term and be healthy.

For most babies bring up all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings, images, and smells. For others their hearts break when they think about that baby they lost or that they haven't been able to have. For me I am trying to remember that each child created was made by the King in His image and with a purpose.

So for my friends that are mourning I will mourn with you for as long as you need me. For my friends that are rejoicing the very very soon arrivals of their blessings I will rejoice you!